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I hate about answering machine messages You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...Rating
Zig Ziglar once on a plane asked his co-passenger 'hey man looks like you have the wedding ring to the wrong finger'. 'Yes' the man replied. 'Because I have married to a wrong woman'Rating
Three fishes in aquarium , one fish died suddenly and water level increased what will be the reason ?
Ans: Other two fishes cried so much , this is why water level increased.RatingI feel like
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then.
Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!Rating
Seem to be in excellent health
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!Rating
I keep seeing double
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!Ratinglost my memory
Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?RatingI think I need a pair of glasses
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.RatingAn invisible man is here to see you
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.RatingI can't find the cause of your pain
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"RatingI have good news and bad news
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.RatingGive chocolate pudding
First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"
First soldier: "Whyever not?"
Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"RatingI'm trying to prove a point
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"Rating
Does your dog bite?
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."RatingI didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"RatingArriving home very drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"RatingMarriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. ~Elbert HubbardRatingRamankutty Nair, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.
He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back.."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"RatingJasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room. Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?" Santa: "Hidden cameras!" Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?" Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, You are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?"RatingWhat is bigger when you turn it upside down?
Answer: The number 6Rating
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