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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?

 

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A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

 

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Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

 

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Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them

 

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Teacher: How much is a gram?

Student: Uhmm, depends on what you need

 

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Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

 

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Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have? A: Big hands.

 

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A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

 

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I asked Siri why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.

 

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Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

 

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A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”

He said, “No, it kills them.”

 

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. So now you know why they call this a workstation.

 

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Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that today is Tuesday.

 

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When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday!

 

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Q.If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have? A.Big hands.

 

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What is the tallest building in the entire world? The library, because it has so many stories.

 

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Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: "Breathe, stupid!"

 

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Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

 

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes", the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.

 

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Hardest job in the world: police sketch artist in China.

 

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