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Keep it
“What am I supposed to do with this?†grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
“Keep it,†the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.â€Rating
We don't care
A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the pest? “Oh, I don’t care,†said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.â€RatingTho Shall Not Kill
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered,"Thou shall not kill."Rating
Bragging boys
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"Rating
Dear Loard, don't shove me
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed,"Dear Lord,please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell.
She got up, bushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...
But please don't shove me again!"RatingWedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness,and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"RatingUndying Love!
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear!
Girl: Would you die for me ?
Boy: No, mine is Undying Love!Rating
Pronouns
Teacher: Johnny, name two pronouns.
Johnny: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!RatingIf you prefer
‘How long will it take to pull my tooth?’ The patient asked the dentist.
‘ Only two seconds’
‘ How much will it cost?’
‘ Fifty dollars.’
‘For only two seconds of work?’
‘ Well,’ The dentist answered coolly, ‘ I can pull it very slowly if you prefer!’RatingMake it Lighter
Post Master in a post office told to a woman,â€You have to put another stamp on this letter as it is too heavy.
The woman replied, “How would an extra stamp make it lighter.â€RatingDon't bite
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.RatingWrite in the dark
SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.Rating
How old are you?
Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?
Charlotte: Seven.
Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?
Charlotte: Nine.
Teacher: That's impossible.
Charlotte: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.RatingCan you spell that
A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.
The operator asks, "Where are you at"?
The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."
The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"
"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak so you can you pick her up there?"RatingConspiracyAuthor: "I'm convinced that the publishers have a conspiracy against me."
Friend: "What makes you think so?"
Author: "Ten of them have refused the same story."RatingBorrowedJones: "Good Evening, old man. Thought I'd drop in and see you about the umbrella you borrowed from me last week."
Brown: "I'm sorry, but I lent it to a friend of mine.
Were you wanting it?"
Jones: "Well, not for myself, but the fellow I borrowed it from says the owner wants it."RatingHighest respectCustomer: "What do you have for greying hair?"
Druggist: Nothing but the highest respect sir.RatingQuickThe teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...RatingSomething smartHow do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."Ratinglemon have a beak
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."Rating
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